How to talk about sex with your partner

Why is it important to talk about sex with your partner?

Here are some of the benefits that talking about sex with your partner can bring. 

• More enjoyable sex 

We all experience sexual pleasure differently. No matter how experienced you or your partner is, it doesn’t mean you will know what each other likes when it comes to sex. That’s why talking about what you do and do not enjoy, and what you might like to try, can help you have much better sex.  

If you are not sure what you like or you feel embarrassed talking about sex, then you can talk about this too. No topic should be off-limits! You can also explore your own body through masturbation if you want to, as this will give you a better idea of what turns you on. 

• A better relationship 

Finding a way to talk honestly about sex with your partner can bring you closer. This feeling of closeness can help you build a stronger relationship, as you might feel more able to discuss other parts of your relationship with each other. It might feel strange at first, but many couples talk about sex with each other. It’s part of being in a healthy relationship. 

• Feeling confident about consent 

Feeling comfortable talking about sex is also key to getting and giving consent. Consent is when you agree to take part in any kind of sexual activity with someone – and that can be anything from a kiss to oral, vaginal, or anal sex.  

Whether you are in a new relationship or you have been with your partner for longer, talking about sex can help you both understand what each other is likely to consent to when things get steamy. But no matter what you and your partner have spoken about, when things get physical if either of you change your mind, or are unsure, you must respect this and stop. Consent should be given every time you do something sexual together.  

• Having safer sex 

Safer sex is when you use condoms to prevent HIV and sexually transmitted infections (STIs), PrEP to protect against HIV, and/or contraception to prevent unwanted pregnancy. It can also involve getting regularly tested for STIs and HIV. Having safer sex shouldn’t be the responsibility of just one person in a relationship. And if you and your partner feel comfortable talking about sex, it will make it easier to decide together which safer sex options to use. 

How do I bring up sex in a conversation? 

Here are some tips for finding the right time and place to raise the topic: 

• Pick a moment when you are both feeling happy and relaxed, and neither of you is under any pressure.  

• Avoid raising the topic just before or after sex or before, during, or after an argument.  

• Go for a walk or a drive, or go somewhere private where you both feel comfortable. This might help you both get in the right headspace to discuss sex.  

If you are already in a sexual relationship, you could try beginning the conversation by saying something positive like “I’ve been thinking about how much I like it when we…” or “It felt really hot when you…” before moving on to what it is you want to talk about. 

If you are not having sex with your partner but want to be, try talking about why you enjoy spending time with them and the physical things you would like to try to feel closer to them. Remember, you should never put pressure on anyone to have sex with you. There are lots of things you can try that will bring you closer without having full-blown sex. This might be foreplay but it could also be other less physically intimate activities. 

If talking face-to-face feels too difficult at first, here are some other things you could try: 

• send them a message 

• talk over the phone 

• leave a note for them somewhere private  

Once you have done this, agree on a time to talk in person as this is the best way to fully connect with each other. 

For ideas of ways to open up a conversation about sex with your partner take a look at the discussion starters at the bottom of this page. 

What if my partner says no to talking about sex?

If your partner doesn’t want to talk about sex straightaway it might be because they feel embarrassed or shy, even if they don’t act this way. Let them know that this is okay for now, but that you want to speak about this because you want to have an even better relationship with them. Say you will give them time to think about things and suggest talking about it another day.  

If your partner reacts angrily, think about why this might be. If they keep reacting badly when you bring up the topic of sex, or they keep refusing to have the conversation at all, it could be a sign you are in an unhealthy relationship.