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How to talk about what you enjoy in bed

Elizabeth Ashcroft

23 March 2023

Talking about what we find pleasurable and turns us on in bed can be exciting, scary and everything in between! Read on for top tips to get you started

A couple in bed
Photo credit: Delmaine Donson

Talking about what we find pleasurable and turns us on in bed can be exciting, scary and everything in between! It’s totally normal to feel this way, and truth is, anyone can get a little nervous when talking about sex and what they want. But like most things in life a little practice can really help.

Why is talking about sex good for me?

Sex and pleasure is different for each of us. A real turn-on for one person can leave someone else feeling cold. That’s why talking about what you enjoy can help you have much better sex.

Sharing what you enjoy with sexual partners can help you get to know your body and explore what feels good for you. You can’t talk about what you enjoy if you don’t know what it is! Trust me, that self-knowledge feels sooooo good.

Talking about sex can be a real turn-on and help you feel more confident and in control. Don’t forget, sex is natural and healthy and there’s real power in focusing on your pleasure.

What’s more, it can help strengthen your relationship with your partners. Sharing what you desire in a sexual relationship can really help you check that you’re on the same page. It’s also good practice for when you want to talk about anything – and good communication is great for building a healthy and happy relationship.

These kinds of conversations help break taboos around sex, which means you’re contributing to making the world a better place. Boom!

So now that you know why you should speak up about what really hits the spot for you, go ahead and read on for my top tips to get you started!

5 top tips to get you talking about what you want in bed

Sometimes you just need a little more practical advice on how to do the thang... I got you!

Step 1: It's all about you. The first step is all about taking time to figure out how you want your body to be touched and thinking about what makes you feel good. Can you think about what gives you the rush of excitement when you think about intimacy and exploring sex with someone? Once you’ve got some ideas in mind…

Step 2: Take a deep breath and try it out on yourself. Try holding and touching your body the way you wish it to be touched. Experiment with pressures, textures, intensity to see what turns you on. Do you crave a strong embrace or a lingering light touch? Ready to move up…?

Step 3: Walk your fine self to the mirror and try it out. You can caress your face, shoulders, lips, or hair. Pay attention to what sensations come up - does anything feel good? What would you tell yourself in this moment to enhance that feeling? Could you give it a go and speak to yourself in the mirror? Mmm, how did that feel?

Step 4: Now, can you think about what else would make you feel good in a partnered sexual experience? How about those check-ins on boundaries and sexual health essentials? This might include talking about anything you don’t want to do, STI and HIV statuses, condoms, and other contraceptive options. Don’t forget that safer sex means you can relax and focus on the moment, which means much more enjoyable sex! Then...

Step 5: Congratulations my friend, you’ve made some huge steps on your quest to talking about sex and pleasure. It is a skill, so practice makes perfect - which means more exploring of what makes you feel good.  Now that you’ve practiced with yourself, how about trying it out with a partner? If you’re worried about how they might react, remember to breathe and take it slow. You can start with step 1 and tell them something about how you like your body to be touched.

Don’t forget that it’s always your choice to decide what, when and how you share with others, whenever you’re ready to. Remember you’re worthy of respect.

Also important to keep in mind is that just because you asked doesn't mean your partner has to do it. Both you and your partner have the right to say no to anything you’re not comfortable with.

Over to you!

Hopefully you’re now feeling confident and excited to take the first step to talking about what you want in bed! If you’re feeling a little awkward or embarrassed that’s normal too, but trust me, once you get over that hurdle, you’re well on your way to becoming an empowered sexual being. So how about getting in front of that mirror and giving it a go? You can delve into more content about enjoyable, healthy sex, in explore more below.

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