Sexuality: Am I gay, lesbian or bisexual?

Sexuality is a way to describe your sexual feelings. It includes who you are attracted to, either romantically or sexually, who you choose to have sex with, what type of sex you like having and what turns you on. 

It can take time to work out what's right for you - so don't worry if you're not sure yet! Although there are some labels - like gay, straight and bi - not everyone fits into one category or another and that's absolutely fine.

Begin by getting to know yourself and developing the confidence to talk about your feelings and desires. You could start by talking it over with friends.  

Many people also find masturbation (pleasuring yourself) a good way to start exploring what turns them on. Once you begin to understand your sexuality you might want to explore it with someone else. Remember this doesn’t need to involve sex. Flirting, kissing and sensual touching, are great ways to start exploring your sexuality with someone else.  

Don’t worry this is totally normal! If you have never had a sexual relationship, you may not know who you will be attracted to. Or you may feel your sexuality has changed over time. These feelings are very common.  

Some people use words like ‘gay’, ‘bi’ or ‘queer’ to help define their sexuality. But some people don’t feel that any of these words fit their sexuality or don’t want to be labelled at all.  

Below are some common terms people use to describe their sexuality and sexual orientation (who you are attracted to). Different ones might be used where you live. 

• Asexual: Not sexually attracted to anyone. 

• Bisexual (bi): Sexually attracted to more than one gender. 

• Curious (bicurious): Not purely heterosexual or homosexual but sometimes curious about or open to sexual activity with the gender they are not normally attracted to. 

• Heterosexual (straight): Sexually attracted to the opposite gender. 

• Homosexual: Sexually attracted to the same gender. 

• Gay: Same as homosexual – often used particularly to describe men who are attracted to other men. 

• Lesbian: Women who are attracted to other women. 

• Pansexual (pan): Sexually attracted to people of any gender or sexual orientation. 

• Queer: It was used as an insult but now many LGBTQ+ people use it as a way to describe any sexuality without needing a specific label. 

• Questioning: Still exploring or unsure about their sexuality. 

You may find that all parts of your sexuality match up. For example, you might be a man who is attracted to men and identifies as gay. Or you may find your sexuality is more complicated. For example, you might be a woman who is attracted to men and identifies as straight but is also attracted to women.  

Talk to your partner about what you enjoy and listen to what they want. And only do things you both feel comfortable with. Before you do anything, make sure you understand how to prevent HIV, other sexually transmitted infections (STIs), and unwanted pregnancy.

Here are a few questions to help kick-off discussions on the issues you need to talk about! You can share them on social, on WhatsApp or just get talking.

It’s up to you. You may want to tell people about your sexuality (‘come out’ to them) or you may not.  

If and when you are ready, it is a good idea to come out to one or two people that you trust. Then you can decide if you want to tell more people and the best way to do it. Think carefully about the benefits and risks, especially if there are laws or traditions in your country that go against your sexuality.  

Some people are uncomfortable with things that seem different or that they don’t understand. If they see your sexuality in this way they may react negatively. Give them time to get used to the idea and to understand you better. 

If someone insults, bullies or harms you because of your sexuality it’s not OK and you don't have to deal with it alone. Ask supportive friends, family, or a support organisation for help. 

You may or may not feel you ‘fit’ into the category of ‘girl’ or ‘boy’. Or you may feel different from the sex you were given at birth. These things relate to your gender identity. This is different to your sexuality and your sexual orientation. 

It can be hard for young people to talk about their sexuality, especially if they are questioning it. Try talking through the answers in this section with them. You could also try encouraging them to talk to other young people who have had similar experiences by connecting them with LGBTQ+ support groups or helplines. 

People whose sexuality or gender identity is different can experience prejudice, negative attitudes, social exclusion and abuse. This can stop people talking about their sexuality and seeking support. It is important to be as encouraging as possible. Let someone know there is nothing wrong with how they are feeling and you are here to listen – without judgement – if they want to talk.