Sexual health for men who have sex with men

Understanding what you want out of sex and relationships can take time. And if your sexuality (the people you’re attracted to and the type of sex you enjoy) is illegal or stigmatised it can feel even more complicated.

But know this: everyone has the right to be who they are and have a sex life they enjoy. Part of exploring your sexuality is exploring masturbation and sex – if you want to. If you feel comfortable with your choices, these things can give you a lot of pleasure and joy.

Part of exploring your sexuality may be understanding whether you are a ‘top’ (the person who penetrates) or a ‘bottom’ (the person who is penetrated), or both. But never feel pressured to take part in any sexual activity you don’t want to. Being honest with yourself about what you want, what you enjoy and how you feel will help you go at a pace that is right for you.

There’s no one right answer to this but we do have some tips to help:

1. Sex and pleasure is different for each of us. That’s why talking about what turns you on can help you have much better sex. It might feel embarrassing at first, but sharing what you enjoy with sexual partners can lead to mind-blowing sex.

2. There is much more to sex than penetration. Some of the most amazing sexual experiences can come from oral sex or other types of touch and caress.

3. If you’re having anal sex, using lube will help it feel fantastic. And knowing in advance how to put on a condom will mean you can keep the action going and stay protected from HIV and other sexually transmitted infections (STIs). You can even make condoms part of the fun. As well as external condoms, there is also the option of using an internal condom.

4. When you first explore the anal area it can feel strange, so start slowly. Part of having great anal sex or any other kind of sex is experimenting – you don’t have to be an expert.

5. Only do things you’re into. No matter what kind of sex you are having, it should always be based on mutual consent – meaning the people involved want to do it.

Sex between men might be illegal where you are. And even if it isn’t, some people might believe there’s something wrong with men who are attracted to other men.

These views are homophobic and wrong. There’s no reason to feel ashamed about being attracted to men. It’s natural and normal, and there are lots of men who feel exactly like you do.

If you experience negative comments, violence, harassment or any other bad thing because of your sexuality, tell someone you trust. Whether it’s a friend or someone from a support organisation, sharing your experience will help you deal with it, and remind you that you are not alone.

It’s up to you who you talk to about your sexuality. You might not want to tell anyone about it, but talking with someone you really trust when you are ready can feel good. You can then decide if you want to tell more people and the best way to do it. But think carefully about who you talk to, especially if your country has laws or traditions that are against your sexuality.

There’s a big link between how you feel about yourself and how you feel about sex. If you are struggling with your mental health you may feel that you aren’t worthy of having a pleasure-filled sex life, or even having sex at all. Or you might make choices you feel uncomfortable with, like saying yes to sexual situations you don’t want to, or having sex without a condom, even though you are worried about HIV or STIs.

Some people over use drugs and alcohol to try to cope with feeling bad. But this is likely to make you feel worse. And it might mean you end up in situations you regret.

1. Take some time to think about how you are feeling. Admitting what is going on in your own head is the first step to dealing with it.

2. Talk to a trusted family member or friend. Don’t feel embarrassed or worried about upsetting them. They’ll want to know what’s wrong so that they can help.

3. Stay healthy. Exercise, eat well, try to sleep well, and avoid drinking too much alcohol or taking too many recreational drugs. These are the foundations for good mental health.

4. Join a support group, talk to a peer or a trained counsellor. Sometimes it can help to talk to people who aren’t in your day-to-day life. There are lots of ways to do this, most of which are free. You could try connecting with a support group, online forum, helpline or peer supporter.

5. Don’t be hard on yourself. Life can be tough and it’s normal to feel down or worried sometimes. But you don’t have to put up with feeling bad all the time – you have a right to be happy.

• Use condoms. This is by far the best way to reduce the risk of HIV and STIs from anal sex.
• Use water-based lube with condoms. This will make sex even safer because lube reduces the risk of tears to the anus caused by dryness. And it lowers the risk of a condom breaking. 
• Using condoms and lube also means that, if you are having sex with multiple people whose HIV and STI status you don’t know (or even just one person whose status you don’t know), you are protected.
• If you don’t have HIV, taking PrEP will stop you from getting HIV, even if it enters your blood. It won't protect against other STIs though. PrEP normally comes in pill form, but there are different ways to take it.
• Get tested regularly for STIs and HIV. This means that if you have anything, you can get treatment quickly. And you can take action so you don’t pass anything on.
• Set limits with alcohol or drugs if you might end up having sex. You can find more tips on this here.

Yes! It’s easy to make regular HIV testing a part of our lives. We know that going to a clinic to test for HIV can sometimes feel intimidating. If that’s the case, an HIV self-test can be a good way to know your status. Or you may be able to find a testing place for gay men, bisexual men or other men who have sex with men where you feel more comfortable.

If you find out you have HIV, it’s better to start treatment early. If you keep taking your treatment you have every chance of living a long and healthy life (and that includes a good sex life). But you’ve got to know your status to get that help.

If you’ve got HIV you might be worried about whether and how to share your HIV status with other people. You don’t have to tell anyone, but if you choose to, it might help you process your feelings. Before you do, it’s a good idea to think through these questions.

If you have a partner, it’s your choice whether you tell them. But if you have been having unprotected sex it is important that they test for HIV, so telling them could be the right way to go. You can find out more on our talking to your partner about HIV page.  

There are lots of ways to prevent HIV from being passed on. And one of them is U=U, which stands for undectable equals untransmittable. This means that if you take your HIV treatment properly (every day at the same time), it can reduce HIV to such low levels that it can no longer be detected in normal blood tests. If this happens, HIV cannot be passed on (or transmitted) through sex. This means you can’t pass on HIV if you are undetectable!